Lurky McLurklurk (ionlylurkhere) wrote,
Lurky McLurklurk

Torchwood 2x9: A rant

FAIL, Team Chibnall. Utter, utter fail from beginning to end.

The only person to come out of that with any credit was Rhys. Whom Gwen does not deserve, even slightly. Even if Jack does kinda sorta do the right thing, eventually, she clearly still wants him (all that stopping the wedding stuff and her reaction to it, utter fail) and he's not exactly stepping as far back as he should be. I think I am going to have to start shipping Rhys/Ianto or something.

All Gwen and Rhys's friends and family are horrible fuckwits. It's like three dozen Jackie Tylers sans any promise of future character development. Which is partly to do with making us suspect them of being the shapeshifter, I suppose, but very much meh. Tosh-feeling-up best man was yet another example of icky sexual exploitation played for laughs, which is just what they needed after reminding us about Owen's rape spray in 2x8's flashback sequence.

Jack/Ianto continues to be these weird excerpts from schmoopy fanfic in the middle of the episodes. ("As you know, my father was a tailor." There's a reason every single writing cliches list ever has "as you know Bob" on it. As you know.) Owen's totally jealous and that's why they have to shut up when he comes in. Owen/Tosh continues to be this hideous car crash of her mooning over him and accepting whatever crumbs he gives her and him failing to see her awesome.

And Torchwood themselves failed as alien hunter dudes in ways far worse than any of their many prior fuckups. They keep trying to use bullets on the shapeshifter long after they've been shown to be ineffective (and Jack has travelled with the Doc, he must have heard the "bullets won't stop it!" speech a thousand times) despite having the singularity scalpel and the MIB gun that Jack eventually used and must have had stashed somewhere in the back of the car.

Saving the unimaginable worst 'til last, there's the whole "Oh hai, you is being parasitised by an EVIL SHAPESHIFTER, but we will not even think about just getting rid of it, because things-that-are-a-bit-like-pregnancy = LOLZ" bit. It's not like there was any fucking moral quandary there, was there? Not even any chance that it was a nice alien parasite that Gwen would have been well within her rights to want to be shot of instantly. Owen's babbling about a standard procedure might just possibly hint that the unreformed TW liked to collect evil alien babies for their nefarious purposes, but surely Jack could have overriden that, and what we're left with is a lot of stuff where Gwen apparently has less than fuck all agency and the mens won't let her make decisions about her own body and basically a very strongly implied "evil alien baby >>>>> Gwen" and UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.

My mind is utterly blown when I think of the number of people through whom this must have passed and who all apparently thought it was A-OK. (ETA: Clearly it's meant to be cracktastic lols, and I'm just Taking It All Too Seriously. Fair play to anyone who enjoyed it, but meh for me personally. There's cracktastic lols and there's fucking dodgy messages, so there is.)

And now, in the interests of balance, the only positive thing I thought about the whole mess: The shapeshifter's-true-form thing was quite scary and properly freaked me out when it suddenly emerged from the people it was pretending to be. Reminded me of something between the creepy dolls from Barbarella and Bilbo's Gollum-face.

OTOH, creepy P.J. Hammond next week, yay (even if it's a moving-pictures-this-time redo of The Shape from Adventure Four from the looks of the preview, that's the scariest thing ever, so worth doing). But he's the only reason I'll be watching.

Pass me the retcon, please; I want to excise that episode from my personal canon in its entirety.
Tags: crotchwoot, harshin ur squee, ranting

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