1. EXT MILLENNIUM STADIUM OR SOMEWHERE LIKE THAT
The TARDIS lands. THE DOCTOR and MARTHA get out.
MARTHA: The whole of time and space and you brought me to Cardiff in 2007 (or possibly 8)?
THE DOCTOR: Yup.
MARTHA: Wow! I can't thank you enough! Cardiff is the bestest place ever!
There follows a five minute "Visit Cardiff" advert with lots of beauty shots of the city recycled from Torchwood. (The money from the Welsh Tourist Board will go towards the budget for the finale.)
THE DOCTOR: We shouldn't stay too long, though. We might run into someone I'd rather not.
MARTHA: What, like an evil alien or something?
THE DOCTOR: No, my ex-boyfriend.
MARTHA is stunned. More competition.
JACK: Hey, Doctor! I was using your hand to jerk off and it all started shaking ...
THE DOCTOR: Shit, there he is. Run!
They go back to the TARDIS. As it dematerialises, JACK jumps on top of it. It is not at all cheesy.
2. INT TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM
THE DOCTOR: *Bitching.*
THE DOCTOR: *Angst.*
THE DISTINGUISHED ACTOR SIR DEREK JACOBI: Hello, you must be Martha. Apparently they don't need me in this episode after all because it's all about these two. Would you like some popcorn?
MARTHA: Yes, please.
They sit back and watch half an hour of Ten/Jack pre-slash.
THE DISTINGUISHED ACTOR SIR DEREK JACOBI: I was the Master once you know.
MARTHA: I deny the canonicity of Scream of the Shalka, because I like being the first black companion.
ROZ FORRESTER turns in her grave.
THE DISTINGUISHED ACTOR SIR DEREK JACOBI: Fine, have it your way. I was going to warn you about Mr Saxon but I shan't bother now.
MOST OF FANDOM scurries off to write angsty-hot Ten/Jack and Ten/Jack/Martha.
SOME OF FANDOM watches the Confidential, sees Tennant and Barrowman both being such fanboys, then scurries off to write RPS about them.
A FEW FANS insist on writing Derek Jacobi/Martha just to be different.
PEOPLE ON OG congratulate themselves on spotting the Mr Saxon reference.